乱.....

脑袋，

只有办法用‘乱’这个字来形容。

情绪，

跌入了谷底。

有谁可以来救我？

没办法思考书里的理论了.....

finally.....

(i'm currently in my senior's house,

y m i here?

u'll know later..)

today...

err,

supposed to be yesterday,

24th oct,

5pm was the deadline for all my projects..

i was rushing for my last project since i was awake in the morning around 11++am...

i actually thought wanna finish the project last night...

but due to i did not sleep in the previous night,

so i couldn't take it n fell asleep after i was awake for awhile..

i asked a fren of mine to wake me up around 2.30am..

but after,

err,

50 + 68 missed calls to both of my phone,

i finally woke up from no where of jeannie the wonderland..

but,

short while after that,

i fell asleep again...

(sorry and thank to my fren for waking me up ^^)

this awakening and falling asleep process repeated for many times until it passed 11am...

i knew i couldn't finish the projest if i continue sleeping...

after drinking some cereals and chewing some biscuits,

i continued editing my project...

it was really tough to edit it...

it's bcoz i dun really know wat is it about in most of the parts...

and i need a complete clear mind to think about the points that i can add in...

n there goes every minute n second...

when the clock is pointing at a quarter passed 1,

i gave myself 45 minutes more to finish the editing job...

but then,

i couldn't do much,

then it's ady 2pm...

then i told myself that as long as i could finish b4 3pm,

i still can make it to pass up b4 the office closed(included the editing and printing process)....

but,

when i completed the whole thing,

include readied myself for a movie,

i reached my faculty's office around 6pm....

i ran up n down to c if i got anyway to pass up the project...

there's no word to describe myself at that time...

err,

maybe yes...

i was like an ant on a hot frying pan....

i couldn't think of anything else that time but to pass up some other day...

i went back to car n headed for the movie..

(it's high skul musical 3)

the movie time is 6.15pm...

no doubt,

we were definitely late for it...

but an unwelcome traffic jam was on our way...

stupid!!

then we used another way instead...

it's the same...

but the jam wasn't that bad....

by the time we reached,

it was almost 7pm ady....

my mood was so damn bad that time...

i couldn't make it to pass up the proj,

++ i was so much late for the show...

i missed out lots of nice parts of the show....

nvm lor...

the show was still very nice even some parts were missed out....

*applause*

i like the ending part where they made it like they ended the show on a stage...

it's like we were watching a show on a stage instead of on a screen...

after the show,

we went for dinner....

err...

a new place to eat...

i ate something like plain rice with chicken...

the chicken was so little until like.........

err......

after dinner,

one of the car driver wanted to go home...

so,

one car headed home,

the other one,

went for singing...

guess i was in which car?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

haha...

i went for singing lar...

although abit din really wanna go,

but i did enjoy myself...

then hor,

we went to our pt house to put things n search for something lor...

while,

planning a birthday celebration for my fren....

one of my fren went to buy muffins from some nearby shops...

while the rest of us stayed in that house with the birthday girl...

she was quite surprised when we sang the birthday song with those delicious muffins...

hoho....

wat a lame celebration...

*better than nothing....

we put a candle on each n every of the muffin...

we arrange all the muffins in a line,

and made her blow all the candles at once...

she made it though...

then we ate the muffins,

n besides,

messed up part of the house...

hoho...

coz we dun need to tidy up the house anymore...

*bad bad*

after everything,

we really got nothing better to do...

as,

our senior(ah gong)'s house is so near,

we plan to go there play play lor...

we din think much lar,

jus thought of going somewhere to hang out as we din wanna go back yet...

then hor,

when we reached,

the mahjong was lying on the table wor...

then,

our itchy hands ma touch lor...

then those addicts from that house taught us how to play wor...

(i've learnt b4 from my aunt)

then we started to play....

play until,

we hungry,

cooking mee was the solution...

until bored,

some played playing cards...

until hungry again,

cooking porridge was the other solution....

then...

i was bored with both of the games...

here is where i belong....

we ended up went back around 5am when almost everyone was feeling sleepy....

**now u know y m i here....

have a nice day~~~

nothing special happened today...
as every tuesday,
i got no class n stayed in room for the sake of projects....
but today,
my mood is much better...
err...
still get stucked half way while doing projects...
but,
today,
i just stay in room all the time oso can have food to eat until wanna vomit...
feeling very 'hang fuk' lor.....
went to discussion oso with a very relax mood....
then i've taken my dinner b4 4.49pm.....
haha...
crazy....
eating is the best way to release stress...
i guess....
hope the rest of the day oso will fill with joyful things....
such as,
suddenly someone get back my old number for me...
haha...
i know it's impossible....
gonna continue with my projects....
that's all for now....

hell knows.....

my mood is getting worse n worse n worst...
i wonder y...
is it bcoz of the projects?
i really got no idea....
or is it bcoz i got no where to release my stress?
i guess...
somehow i feel sad...
still sad for my phone number....
at the same time...
i guess there's some other things....
i wanted so much to give up...
but no way!!!
i slept just now around 7pm then woke up around 10.40pm....
feeling....
'sick'....
is it my mind that's sick?
or my heart?
it's so weak that i needed so much 'energy' to make myself to move on until now.....
i'm tired...
i'm exhausted....
but bcoz of wat?
i've already free from all those responsibilities....
free from those 'bonds'.....
hell knows wat is wrong with me....
I DON'T.......

somehow i feel crying is the best way to release stress...
but i dun allow myself to use this way...
it's so lousy...

maybe i'm stil someone that love to pretend to be strong....
i guess....

bad mood.........

never been in good mood ever since 45 hours ago....

on 18th oct, 2.36am

i realised my old phone number(012-6513393) been expired for more than 2hours ady...

i was sad..

n sad...

n sad...

besides sad,

there's only worry..

worry that i couldn't get that number back...

but i couldn't do anything at that time coz my phone n phone number wasn't with me....

n i was really tired ady..

so i just went to sleep before i could do my project any further...

18th oct, 7.58am
surprisingly i could wake up without any call n alarm..
i guess i was too worry or home sick too serious..
coz i was supposed to go home on thurs night but din make it coz need to discuss account project..
then thought wanna make it on fri but failed as well coz need to continue doing account project n followed by a few very interesting programmes....
throughout the whole night...
until i was exhausted n the only thing i could do after i arrived room was bathing n sleeping....
after i woke up,
i chat in msn for some time then i started to pack things..
i always spend lots of time packing things..
then that morning i realised something..
something that i din spend much time to think of as i was damn bz for PTUKM....
err,
skip that..
then i drove home after finished packing...
it was like a never ending journey...
maybe bcoz ever since i accident for the 2nd time,
i'd drive less than i'd used to...
n so,
driving seems to be a hard task for me...
haha...
then the worst part was,
when i left about 20 minutes journey to reach home,
i started to feel sleepy...
i....
duno wat to think of myself at that time..
i immediately on the radio louder than it was...
then kept reminding myself to be alert...
then finally i reached home...
i immediately find the phone that i left in my room n check..
the line is full...
call-ins still allowed...
but reload was not allowed...
died!!!
i called maxis centre to ask about it...
but i was disappointed..
the operator told me that i got no way of getting that number back into active status...
i.....
was like.....
please kill me for that!!!!
then i got no more energy n so,
i fell asleep as i got no idea wat else can i do for it...
few hours later i woke up n ask for my fren's help as he knows someone from,
err,
hotlink i guess....
i put a lil hope in him...
but,
i knew the answer would be the same...
in fact,
he came back to me with the same answer as the operator gave me.....
sad.....
i....
was just sad....

** the main reason for my sadness was bcoz that number was my 1st phone number...
it's very memorable as it's oso a nice number...
besides,
many of my old frens still contact me with that number (although i din really use that number for quite some time ady),
so....
err......
 
ever since then,
i bad mood til this moment..
i was thinking y was i so unlucky....
i got into accidents for twice...
then now lose this precious phone number...

then my fren had already calm me down....
i actually felt better n din think of the number after talking to him...
then at night i went out for dinner with my form 6's fren..
he asked me one question...
"r u still using the old number??"
i....
err...
sad again....
plus i ate something lousy that night....
then with a bad mood...
then reached home....
then...
no direction on wat to do ady...
coz at the same time all projects were piled up n dunno where to start 1st...
then somebody spoilt my mood even more by talking some non sense...
nah...
whatever.....
then someone had actually affected my mood as well...
i know i shouldn't care so much...
but 你的漂浮不定令我心神不宁。
不知不觉中，心情有少许的被你影响。
已开始在乎一些，不该在乎的事。
有许多问题想问你，可是，都是一些不该被问出口的问题。
问题到嘴边了，可是，问不出。
继续这样下去，对你我都好吗？
是因为现在开始空闲了，所以开始思想这些问题吗？
可是我坚持把这些抛诸脑后。
我知道这样做，一定又伤了某一些人。
又或许可能我想太多了吧。
我承认我自私。
可是曾经受过的伤害，
让我不得不自私。
有一些事情我应该告诉你的，
可是我好像没有认真对你说过。
不要就这则blog来问我问题。
我，
会说不出话来。

                                                                 

a dream came true......

finally,
all the activities for pesta tanglung UKM are completed..
everything has came to an end..
i've completed my mission in PTUKM,
although,
it wasn't done perfectly..

few months ago,
i din know y i got chosen as one of the EXCO of PTUKM..
i din know wat can i do for PT..
i know nothing much but i've chosen to take up this responsibility..
there were once,
err,
more than once that i regretted to join PT..
stress,
restless,
troubles,
n even accidents..
it was really hard for me to go through all these..

but looking back doesn't help,
so i choose to concentrate on what should i do,
instead of what've i done...

everytime when i went back home after a few restless days,
my mom would ask me 'what have u done until u look so tired?'
then continue with, 'did u study for ur academic??',
then again with, 'u better not abandon ur studies for ur extra activities, u enter uni to study, not only to join activities!!'
then i would go, 'yes, yes, yes....'
'wat do u get for joining all these things?'
'i've learnt alot from there..'
'wat can u learn, u can stil learn when u start working..'
'......'

then when i started to dig in n out, up n down in the house for some props to be used for the stage performance,
my mom would say,
'y do u need all these things?'
'n u better return'em back hor,
they r priceless...'

then when i got into my 1st accident for PT,
my mom scolded me,
'how many times do i need to tell u to drive slowly n carefully?'
'u r not experienced driver!!'

then the 2nd time of accident,
a very serious 1,
my aunt told me that my mom was so frightened when she heard of it...
her
tears
fell
for
me...
i....
felt real bad...
that time she said,
'luckily i din get into any heavy injury..'
'someone really was watching over u up there...'
not even a scolding came from her mouth...
ever since that incidence,
i've told myself,
i've sacrified so much for PT,
i'll do the rest to the best i can...
or i'll feel sorry for everyone that stands beside me..

i never complaint when i got no time to sleep,
i never give up no matter how tired i felt,
i never told off no matter how depressed i was...
tears were trying to drop...
heart was trying to break into pieces..
eyes were trying to shut..
ears were trying to close..
i,
almost lost myself..

stil remember when things needed to be changed,
heart was so ache that tears was running in the eyes..
teacher sat beside me n said,
'take it easy,
u can do it!!'

stil remember when i was totally broke down,
just a call,
a true fren was there to help out..
as much as he could..

my parents had came all the way to UKM to witness wat i've done for the past few months..
i felt abit released before the stage performance..
i hoped the stage performance could end in just a blink of eyes..
finally,
it ended...
i couldn't control my tears anymore,
they dropped on my cheeks..
thousands of unspoken words..
thousands of unexpressed feelings..

my mom stood right in front of me in front of the stage,
she looked at me,
in her own way,
that told me with her eyes that,
'girl,
i saw what have u done,
u've done a good job,
mom is very proud of u...'

many ppl had praised the stage performance..
everyone says PTUKM 29 is a success..
i was sad that we did something wrong during the performance..
the efforts were paid off with mistakes,
it was my fault...
many ppl had praised the props, technical, n oso styling,
n EXCO from other groups said the programme group had done a great job,
but,
without the marketing group, no one would sell tickets for the performance,
without the advertisement group, there would not have any souvenir for the audience,
without research team, there would not have any theme for PTUKM 29,
without the exhibition team, the VIPs would not have red carpet to walk on to get into the hall,
without publicity team, no one would know about our activity,
without the protocol team, the stage performance would not have any opening ceremony...
n there,
nothing can be done even programme teams are excellent...

PT29 is a great success,
thanks to each n every member in this huge family..

PT29 is a great success,
thanks to each n every audience that've given out support n applause..

PT29 is a great success,
bcoz we'd done our best out of our best..
not bcoz we'd done it perfectly without any mistake....

let's cheer for PTUKM 29...

**thanks to all my frens that had given me so much support...
    u guys had given me strength to walk this path..
    thanks.....

exhausted....

i wanted to blog my feelings about PTUKM,
but i'm so damn tired now that i feel my eyes r shutting down...
i think i really need some time to take my rest...
i'll blog about it soon....
good night.....
(i fell asleep just now when facing the haptop.
haha....

FanTaSy LanD.......

i'm not in the mood to write..
but i'm in the mood to blog..
can i jus use pics n videos??
the answer is 'yes'..
hohoho!!!!

(but i failed to upload videos, wonder y.....?????)

sometimes i wish i get the other half..
just like this...



sometimes i hope i dun have feelings just like a barbie doll..




sometimes i wish i can hide in somewhere n be ignorant to the outside world..
just eat n sleep will do..




i hope sometimes i can be this blur..
so at least i got excuse for my 'blurness'...
haha... blur..




i'm so lazy that i'm actually on my bed..
facing ceiling n blogging at the same time...
do u think i'm stil me when i'm saying those words?
i'm not sure if i'd lost myself just as others....
but i know i need time..
i want my holidays back!!