the moment i'm free!!!!

yo pals!!
i'm back from my holidays,
camps,
n EXAMS!!!
finally free from everything now!!!
n time to blog...

so many things i wanna tell..
omg..
until i dunno where to start..

ok..
1st,
i still can feel the joy in me when i'd finally finished my last paper on 7th may..
it was a subj that require lots of reading..
n so,
i spend most of my time sleeping when trying to read..
then the night b4 my marketing paper,
i spent my night in bilik rawatan with my fren lor..
then hor,
she ajak her fren to the room to teach them wor..
then i was in a very sleepy mood ady lor..
i wanna tahan 1..
i dun wan sleep in front of strangers ma..
but then hor,
i unconsciously fell asleep..
then i woke up on n off lor..
coz like there was a sound kept on telling me that "there were strangers around, don't sleep like pig!! wake up!!"
then i woke up.. =.="
haihzzzz...............
then the "switch" of mine oso on n off, on n off like that...
until around 6am lor..
then my fren wanna go back sleep ady..
coz her exam 3.30pm..
then when she woke me up,
those 2 guys of her went off ady..
err..
which means,
i slept like pig ady...
ended up,
i din read much....
=.="

then i back to room,
n tried to open my eyes wide n hit those tips..
i din manage to finish reading those tips...
actually i know the whole paper would be ruined in someway..
coz my holiday mood was very heavy ady at that time...
then just pass that time by 'looking' at the book lor...
then...
haih...
exam lor..
then..
cold lor..
then...
no mood lor...
coz...
dunno how to do...
mostly....
GOD!!!!!

then finish exam ady lor..
then...
i in the mood to go home ady!!
then i packed my stuffs n sent to my fren's house to keep lor..
then tapau lunch..
then when i was halfway eating lunch that time,
i realized it was only 11++am..
err..
had rice for my brunch..
then i fast fast go back..
pack..
pack n pack..
then oni i realized i got so many rubbish..
coz i'd actually shifted part of my stuffs back home the week b4..
wah..
i pack until i wanna give up arr!!!
then my car full with my stuffs..
full without any more space..
finally i could go home...

a tiring day..
n there end the 2nd sem of my 1st year study in ukm..
happy holidays!!!!

unsolved dilemma

i'm not in the mood to study again..
n again,
tomoro is another exam..
tomoro's paper is the last..
i'm very glad that my exam is going to over in 12hours time..
hohoho!!

i pack my things few days back..
n i found this long hidden book..
it's named "footprint"..
i'm not a christian..
i'm buddhist..
also so called free thinker lar..
but i found this poem interesting..
it touches my heart..
it sounds like this,
"one night i dreamed a dream.
i was walking along the beach with my Lord.
across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
for each scene, i noticed two sets.
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and one to my Lord.
when the last scene of my life shot before me
i looked back at the footprints in the sand.
there was only one set of footprint.
i realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest time of my life.
this always bothered me
and i questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when i decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
but i'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprint.
i just don't understand why, when i needed You most,
You leave me."
He whispered, "my precious child,
i love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
when you saw only one set of footprint
it was then that I carried you."
that's the poem..
what do u think?
it's a book given to me by my ex bf..
as he's a very religious christian..
the book was written in mandarin..
he can't read mandarin words n i guess that was the reason y he gave me the book..
i never like to read a book..
so i kept the book just like i keep any other books..
i...
i was touched when i read the poem..
then i flipped the book n find for some interesting chapters..
i just read a few page then i gave up..
as it was in mandarin words..
but those names were translated from english..
so..
i dun like to read..
then i gave up..

my dilemma is still in me..
all the more i think i'm ok..
i guess i'm not ok..
my fren once told me..
u might not really know the one u really r..
but ur frens might know u better than u do..
i guess my fren was right in some way..
i was overconfident with myself..
but i do not know myself..
so i'll wait till someone come tell me what kind of person i am..
somehow i hate myself..
i do not love myself enough until i feel that all my frens might love me more than i do to myself..

@.@
still not in the mood to study..
let's pray that tomoro's paper's answer is obvious enough for me to "shoot shoot"..
tomoro's paper is 8.30am...
>.<

what m i doing?

it's already 12.05am..
so considered a new day..
today i'll be having account exam at 3.30pm..
but i still not yet finish reading the notes..
of course not even the tutorial questions lar..
my mind was occupied for the whole day..
seriously whole day..
from the moment i woke up..
i've enjoyed crazily these 2 days..
i online like no one else's business..
i sit n laugh like the exam is over..
i skip meals like food is no longer important to life..
my eyes get tired easily...
my blood drips easily..
my heart ache easily..
but my tears dun drop easily anymore...

can i know y do we have exams?
is it neccessary to have exams so often?
every sem has 2 exams..
n it's like u go class for 6-7 times/weeks,
then u'll sit for exam..
wat is this?
does study need to be so stressed?
or is it bcoz i bad mood that's y i feel extra stress?
i wanna just have holidays oni ma..
oso got problems...
02/05/08, 12.20am

then my senior called me up..
he asks me out for a ride around ukm..
i was really in bad mood until dun feel like going anywhere..
but he used a trick n that was asking me to help him to do stuffs..
haha..
no way i can reject him as he's always help me out with stuffs..
then i got into his car..
he brought me around ukm with his car..
he drove to somewhere very hidden..
(ukm pal) do u know the rumah haiwan?
i was told that it's way further from kkm..
u must pass by kkm then go further n further to reach there..
he brought me went through all the narrow roads n creepy jungle with no lights around..
i was shocked to know that there was such hidden place in ukm..
that fellow really siao one..
haih..
brought me to those places for a ride..
then we finally exit those creepy place n sat down to talk..
he actually know i was in bad mood then thought wanna open my mind..
haha..
but then i was bad enough to not to tell..
then he made me tell..
i...
finally could no longer hang on...
tears drop..
he saw me crying...
he just sat down quietly n wait till i finish...
his silence did make me feel his care..
thanks to him..
i released all my bad feelings by crying that night..
when i'm having a very important paper the next day which i not yet even finish studied half of the syllabus..
until the point that i dun wanna cry anymore..
i stopped n told him everything..
n while telling him,
tears started to drop again... ^^
he gave me advice..
he tried to help me out..
he listen to my tears..
he's teaching my heart..
n repairing my mind..
n i dunno if what he's done was enough to help me out..
but then those tears will definitely spoil my paper on the next day..
account..
please dun be so hard...
after i felt better n wanted to go back..
he send me back..
i wanted to continue study actually..
while lying on the bed n reading the notes..
my eyes told me it's time to close n rest..
=.=
then i slowly fell asleep..
n i guess it was around 4am.. >.<

then came to the next day..
i got no time to think about anything else than studying for my account..
i was so pik cik that morning..
again another morning n noon without any food into the stomach..
i study study study n tried past year..
then balancing accounts..
still din get the solution..
but then it's ok lar...
coz it wasn't exam after all..
then came to exam..
i was very nervous lor..
coz past year paper seemed hard..
the only thing i can describe bout the paper is,
"it was so much easier compared to past year paper but most of us didn't know how to do"..
haha...
so..
er...
what else can i say?
if it's really ruined,
i can only blame myself for not putting enough effort in it..
haih...
sad....

what kind of me i am?

somehow i really dunno what i want n how i want my life to be..
it's not that how u want ur life to be then u can shape ur life totally..
but how if u r living a life that's not ur ideal life but u r not able to change it?
maybe u can think at the positive side that tomoro will be better..
as time passes by,
everything would be better..
but how long do u need to hang on to this belief?
when would u know the tomoro is better than today?
better in what sense?
who can say living rich is definitely better than living in poverty?
who can tell me which is the better me?
which life suits me better?
what kind of life i deserve?
i do need time to think?
but i've used so much time to think?
how much longer do i need?
how much time do i need?
why m i having so many question marks in my head?
y m i so not steady?
i used to be a tough girl with strong characteristic..
n that the 'jeannie' everyone knows..
but now?
i guess i'm only someone that no one will like..
how long would this hang on?
i wonder....
i couldn't think of any other better way to make myself feel better..
or...
i should say..
i already dun have the ability to make myself feel better....
jeannie = handicapped/paralysed