let the mind wonder~~~

i've FORGOTTEN this secret diary of mine for quite some time ady....

bad me....

went through the holidays....

went through the chinese new year!!

wanna say,

happy chinese new year again to my fellow frens b4 it's too late...

may 2009 wil b a better year for everyone in all aspect...

i'm now alone in the room...

my roommate went back b4 i reached room after my whole day class yesterday...

supposed to be the day b4 the night falls...

well,

she always go home...

even more frequent than me...

at this point,

my mind really wonder wildly...

it's gone far n out of control...

i've been bz for the whole january until i din go home for the month until chinese new year....

i might went home,

but it's more like a stop-by station for me to take a rest...

haha...

coz when i was coming back campus from 1utama,

i juz stop by my house for not more than 1/2 hour then i moved on to my journey to campus...

then during the whole month of jan,

i was bz with red crescent's activities n oso pesta tanglung's meeting...

for red crescent,

i needed to assist my head section leader to train juniors for first aid competition...

the competition was divide into several part,

mock case, bandaging, theory, community base n marching.....

well...

bcoz we din really train them b4 the previous holiday starts,

so,

those few weeks' trainings were actually intensive training....

we spent lots of the night on an empty space named dataran gemilang in ukm practising marching...

i stil remember,

one of the night,

when many of us were hungry,

but the training was not end yet,

i was too lazy to drive,

my fren took me on a motorbike ride to go to fasa 15's mamak stall to tapao food for others.....

erm,

i never really dare to ride on a motorbike....

i never ride on a motorbike on any main road b4...

so it was the 1st time on main road...

but the experience was very cool....

the wind was strong,

the night was dark,

the car was little,

n the ride was safe.....

even it was a very short journey thru n flo,

i enjoyed it a lot....

it was the 1st time i put on a helmet on my head too....

during the exact competition date,

when i was using my hp to record their marching,

i had a very weird feeling....

it's like,

i've won a very valuable prize....

a prize that u can't code a price for it....

the team is the prize...

not their performance on those 2 days....

then during my chinese new year holiday,

i've lost my dee dee(my beloved hamster).....

this is it....

that morning,

as usual,

i woke up around noon...

then i went to c my lovely hamsters...

but it was shocking when i saw a bloody hairy hamster in the cage...

n it was dee dee...

the worst part of the whole thing was,

it died bcoz of the other hamster bite it till death....

the cruel creature....

when dee dee died,

his whole body fulled with blood....

even some of the bedding got his blood...

he was like n strengthless little baby,

been tortured like never b4....

it was partially my fault,

i din realise bee bee was so desparate n angry until she did all she can to run out of the ball i used to separate both of them....

grrrr.....

then i buried the dead dee dee in the garden across the road in front of my house....

now bee bee is alone...

i dun dare to touch her anymore....

my bro neither....

we both hated her so much....

whenever i saw her,

i remember of him laying in the cage with the blood....

but my mom stil cares for it...

she even asked me if bee bee wil die of loneliness....

i...

wouldn't care....

if she really die of loneliness,

she asked for it....

there was 1 night,

when she was located in a tank,

she managed to run away...

but i found out she was juz in the garden...

i din even dare to catch it back to the tank...

but instead,

i asked my bro to catch it....

beebee-phobia...

i got no idea y she went so crazy in a sudden....

@.@

if u r reading this n feel wanna keep my bee bee...

u r welcomed to come to me...

i'll be glad...

then back to my uni life...

after red crescent,

i stil have pesta tanglung to busy with....

i've always been in dilemma with this activity...

it's a challenge for me...

i never have had the courage to announce the pose i'm holding in this activity this year.....

i've always think it's way too far for me to complete this task nicely even not perfectly....

i'm a stubborn girl with lots of weakness....

that time i went for pesta ang pow's exhibition in ukm,

there was a stall,

they do finger scanning n analise the character of u....

i went...

for fun...

as it was free...

the lady told me,

i m the kind of person that is quite confident of myself.

but at times,

i will doubt on my decisions....

i will think too much once i've made a decision...

mmmm....

kinda accurate actually....

haha....

sorry.....

juz got up from my bed...

wanted to sleep,

but failed.....

suddenly remember that my blog been abandoned for quite some time....

so i'm here again....

feeling sad n moody as usual...

i dunno wat's wrong with me.....

i'm so not me recently....

i'm not as confident as usual....

i'm not as optimistic as i USED to be....

i'm not as energetic as i used to be....

i thought this new sem would be a new beginning for me...

but i started to think were all the decisions i made suitable for me?

i feel so tired each n everyday....

i dunno y...

tired of thinking?

or tired of activities??

besides feeling tired,

at most of the nights which i felt extremely sleepy,

i couldn't fall asleep....

is it something wrong with me?

i thought this sem would be better than last sem...

but....

for my course,

i normally can register a max of 20 credit hour for each sem...

each subj normally takes up 3 credit hours....

i need to take at least 18 credit hours this sem to clear my credit hours to make sure i can grad in 3 yrs time...

but guess how many unit i've registered by now??

12 only....

1 subj,

i needed to register manually...

that lect had sent a letter to the office but dunno wat is the staffs doing....

till now stil not yet register for us....

then one more subj,

the prior subj for my majoring paper.....

i'd registered a lecturer that i know i'll take forever to understand his lecture,

then i got an idea by attending another lecturer's class for my understanding n attend my own lecturer's class for attendance...

at 1st the idea was perfect,

but things started to go wrong...

when i told my case to the other lecturer,

she asked me to try to go on our registration website to register for her class as the office might has expended the number of students in each class....

then i drop my class n tried to register for hers,

but failed...

n,

that subj remain unregistered...

i went to her to ask her about that...

she asked me to go to the office to figure it out...

i went n office staffs said she couldn't do anything if without the letter from lecturer....

i....

went down to the lecturer's room again....

this time i got no idea wat else could i say anymore,

so,

me n my fren stood outside her room for a very long time,

then finally enter her room to ask her wat to do next...

guess wat she said?

she asked me to juz enter her class....

she'll settle for me someday...

(the time period for subj registration is only by this week....

that someday, 

is when???)

i need that subj to take my majoring paper next sem....

n without this subj,

i can't take any of my majoring paper....

wat to do?

my fren told me that this lecturer is very kind....

she'll help me with it...

but stil,

how if she really dun wanna help me?

haha...

no need to grad...

quite a good idea...

start working...

or change majoring?

even changing majoring will bring lots of problems....

wat the heck!!!

beside studies....

i think i not good in handling activities as well...

i started to feel fed up with running up n down to take things n apply things....

or is it time management??

wat can i do when 2 meetings happen at the same time?

it's not my fault...

right?

i guess i'm juz giving excuses to myself...

last week,

i spent most of the nights in the room,

watching dramas n movies...

now,

i spend each n everynight with meetings n activities...

n trainings....

maybe it's only this month....

but it's tiring enough already....

until i dun have time left for some other things,

that's important enough to my life...

maybe it's the evil spirit that starts to take over me again....

i'm so DEAD!!!!

the word DEAD reminds me of something....

last month,

err,

actually jus 2-3 weeks ago,

my aunt's bf juz passed away...

her bf died of heart attack...

he actually already had a medical appointment on 8th jan,

but,

who would know things like this will happen...

my aunt told me that the day that he passed away,

he juz gave her a call in the morning n that afternoon itself,

she received that bad news....

my aunt never officially intro this man to the family....

she never even officially admit that she has a bf...

is bcoz he's 22 years older than her....

but none of us dunno about it...

juz that we avoided the topic in front of her...

but even she doesn't tell the elders about it,

she did tell me...

n i saw his photo b4...

on n off when he sent my aunt back,

i happened to see his face as well...

n so,

i 'know' the existence of him in her life/heart....

when my aunt told me about that bad news,

i dunno how to respond to it....

she told me in the car while i driving her to take medicine....

at that time,

i could only ask her not to be sad....

can c that she'd cried so much for that news....

can c that her mind is full with ???? n tears n heartbreaks....

he din leave a word for her...

she wasn't prepared when the last time he talk with her on the phone...

so many words remain unspoken...

i hate this man....

he gave my aunt so many sweet memories...

n yet,

he din give her a nice ending for those memories....

now that he'd gone....

she'd lost a part of herself.....

she got nothing from him....

totally nothing....

he knew the age does matter....

but he still went after my aunt....

this is wat he called love...

which i dun understand....

i hate him....

he makes my aunt cries a thousand nights...

for someone that wouldn't be back....

hOmiE......

I just came back from s’pore…
Feel so nice to reach home…

But,
When I realized that my result for last semester will be released 2days later,
(which is on 24th dec, 1 day b4 x’mas)
I feel like leaving this realistic world…
Pressure is very abstract,
N so,
I dun really know where does my pressure comes from….
My mom?
Not really…
She’d always said as long as I’ve done my best…
My scholarship?
Yes but not that much….
The scholarship doesn’t pay me that much either….
My dad?
Nah,
For him,
As long as my result is not that bad….
All these whiles I dunno wat I study for..
I hate to study as much as reading books…
But results never were very bad....
One of my fren,
She’s one of my closest fren since I attended form 6..
Her results used to be better than mine,
But after entering uni,
My results were ahead her…
Nah,
It’s all about luck…
Then each sem when results release,
She’ll be very scared to face the result…
She wouldn’t dare to know her result….
Just like yesterday,
When I talked to her about the result thingy,
She said dun remind her until after Christmas…
Haih…
I seldom think about studies…
Coz I’m afraid when I think,
I’ll not have the determination to get good results again…
But this moment, I wanna know y do I need to study this hard…
Then I realized it’s all bcoz to have a better job opportunity in future…
Y do I need such a bright opportunity in future?
It’s all bcoz of I need to get better pay to have better life…
Y do I need a well paid job?
It’s all about money…
That’s the thing that made me been studying so hard n facing so much pressure…
Hate it!!
Y God created human that has a stupid brain to create ‘money’???
If we dun use money,
We can be as free as a bird,
N as rich as….. my hamsters??
^^
Then u can have love as dreamy as u wish…
Live life without any pressure…
Can go on holiday whenever u feel like going…
Maybe u’ll say if there’s no existence of money,
We can’t go out to have food n entertainment n so on….
Err,
Maybe I’d prefer living without those things…
Who knows that kind of life would not be better…
Err,
Whatever,
It’s just a fantasy…
I hope it’s a fantasy that can come true…

Then one of the person that I miss very much when I was in s’pore was my grandma…
We came home after having dinner…
When I reached home,
My mom said my grandma last night boiled soup….
Then I was thinking she must be hoping us to be back to drink n eat glutinous rice ball with her…
I’ve forgotten that I’d asked her to reserve some glutinous rice ball for me…
But when I asked,
She said those reserved ones were spoilt…
Sad…..
This Chinese festive is all about all family members staying together…
But we were in s’pore…
She must be feeling lonely that night…
Then when I was watching tv programme with her late night,
She starts worrying about my aunt…
She was not back from her work yet…
My aunt of this is very fierce type of daughter…
Well,
U know old ‘lady’…
She always scolds my grandma for small thing or big thing, or nothing….
My grandma sometimes will complain about it,
But she still gets very worry when my aunt’s not back from work in the night….
Even my aunt is so grown up ady…
This is the nature of being a mom I guess…
Although she has 8 daughters n a son,
All r equal to her….
She cares for each n everyone so much….
N she never hoped for return…
Have u watched ‘money not enough 2’?
She only needs someone to listen to her…
But her kids might just either no time,
Lazy,
Too busy,
Or dun like to listen to her craps…
N those craps were my pass times when I was free…

*22/12/2008, 10.49pm